“If you guys were the inventors of Facebook, you’d have invented Facebook.”

I realise in my last blog post, I wrote that this weeks Blog would be about my triumphant return, however I don’t feel I have given you all a full insight into how I have spent my year out of the working world. Yes you guys know all about my trials and tribulations, how I stopped walking after a trip to Manchester, my run in with Susan Boyle, how I think socks down the toilet are mythical creatures or mutated rodents etc, but what you guys don’t know is how I spend a large part of my day while resting. Now this isn’t something I am proud of so please do not judge me on it. This is as shameful as those pathetic men who never leave their house and live their lives online, spending 23 hours of the day watching hard core Russian porn, while marrying a stranger and managing a hat shop on Second Life. Ladies and Gents while I am lying down resting, I pick up my phone and use it for one thing and one thing only, Facebook! From the very moment Mark Zuckerberg sat down in his dorm room and wrote code that would one day become the site that we all couldn’t live without, my fate was sealed. I am a Facebook addict and I hate myself for it.

 

In the world of FB, your closest friends consist of people you would actively avoid if you seen them in the flesh. I know this because I am a regular dodger of so called “friends” in the street,  at local shops and on public transport. Earphones in, head down, scarf and hood up, you may look like a rioter or terrorist but at least you won’t have to talk to your fellow Facebooker. If I wouldn’t talk to these individuals in the flesh, then why the hell do I care what they post on a social networking site? Because like all of you, I am a human being and what makes us top of the food chain is our thirst for knowledge. It has taken us from Cavemen running around trying to make fire to the debt ridden, war hungry people we are today. Unfortunately this thirst for knowledge not only allows us to invent cool shit like the iPhone but it also makes us incredible nosy, so much so that we befriend people on the internet we haven’t seen since 1999.

 

Another thing that makes me hate my addiction to Facebook and subsequently myself is some of the crap people post on it. Some classics are;

 

  • The tagging of you and your partner in bed to give the impression that your about to have a wonderful evening of love making. When in fact it’s going to be anything but as you are lying in your bed on Facebook tagging shit!
  • The constant changing of your relationship status between in a relationship, single, it’s complicated and I am now asexual. If you change your relationship status more than twice in one week than you are either attention seeking, in an imaginary relationship with someone mentally unstable or your relationship is dead so give up on it.
  • The attention seeking posts. Here are examples of just a few;

“Now I know who my REAL friends are!!!!!!”

“Why do I even bother?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?”

“My life is shit (Insert an emoticon of small poo)”

“Why can’t people just accept we are together I know we are                   brother and sister but is that illegal?” (Yes)

“Think I may have murdered someone LOL”

These posts are then usually followed by a million and one comments asking what’s wrong, messages to PM (private message) someone or what’s supposed to be inspirational reassuring comments. Then the original poster usually has the cheek to say “I don’t want to talk about it”. If you don’t want to talk about it, don’t post it on the bloody internet in the first place. That would be like me saying, I write a Blog about my life with M.E but I don’t really want to talk about it, but PM me :-D.

  • Attention seeking posts about how shit your life is, followed 20 minutes later by a post about how good your life is. Make up your bloody mind!
  • Healthy people who post about how they are “dying and so sick” and that evening post about how pissed they are accompanied with 576 pictures of them at the dancing. If you were that sick you wouldn’t be out drinking your weight in alcohol would you? I have a lot of friends who have various long term health conditions on Facebook and most never post about how shit they are feeling on a daily basis and those who do, don’t then go out to clubs, get pissed and post photos of themselves snogging some random dude. Why? Because they can’t, as they are actually ill.
  • Family or relationship fights played out for all to read on Facebook. People, there is a time and a place. You should not be arguing about how your boyfriend slept with your best friend, your sister’s cocaine habit or about how your great aunt is a pensioner’s prostitute and you’re her pimp, on the net. Come on folks, privacy.
  • The regular insomnia poster. You know my feelings about this already folks.
  • Posing duck faced photos. Pouting your lips and taking thousands of photos of yourself in front of your mirror with your phone in shot is not cool, it isn’t a “sexy pose” no matter how many horny 16 year old boys comment underneath it that it is.
  • Poking! What the hell is even the point in this?

 

 

Now don’t get me wrong, I may have posted one or two similar statuses to this in my time, but it wasn’t my great aunt who’s pimp I was, it was my great grand aunt.  I may have also inadvertently offended the odd person with my rather warped sense of humour but even though Facebook and many other Social networking sites anger me on a regular basis, I can’t give them up as I am a weak individual. This Ladies and Gents is how I have spent a large part of my year.

 

The computers really are taking over the world and I am letting them.

 

*Please note all the names of people in my blog have been changed to their celebrity or fictional character counter part to protect their identity. Under no circumstances should this be a reflection of the named celebrity or fictional character.
Title taken from the film “The Social Network”
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