Being someone who doesn’t particular like to live in what my older sister calls “The Real World”, I tend to imagine scenarios that the so called “normal” among us don’t care to waste their time thinking about. One of these common scenarios is, what to do in apocalyptic type situations? I have different action plans depending on what danger may be causing the human race to face its impending extinction. For instance, in the case of a zombie apocalypse, one needs to grab as many supplies as they can possibly carry on there back (including a tent) and head out of highly populated areas as fast as your legs can carry you. Now this is where the majority of people make a mistake when they have zombies running after them, there weapon of choice tends to be a gun. What’s wrong with this? Yes it’s fast and the zombies drop like flies but the noise of gun shots attracts even more zombies and before you know it, you have two thousand of the walking dead coming at you and no bullets left to shoot them in the head with. In this situation, what you need is a crossbow. It’s fast, doesn’t make a noise and you can re-use your arrows. My next apocalyptic type situation is nuclear war. This is totally different as you have less control and if it’s you against a nuclear bomb, you are going to lose. If you’re within ten miles of where the bomb hits you have no options as your life was ended as soon as some government monkey typed in the activation code and pushed the Big Red Button. Up to about 50 miles, you may not die straight away but the electromagnetic radiation from the nuclear fallout will rapidly destroy your cells one by one until there is nothing left for you to do but sit tight and belt out the Pixies, Here Comes Your Man,
“I know the nervous walking,
I know the dirty beard hangs,
out by the box car waiting,
take me away to nowhere plain”.
If you happen to be over 50 miles away, you better hope that the weather is in your favour and get your ass as far away from ground zero as possible. 300 miles should do it. Under no circumstances should you eat anything from the ground before the 300 mile mark as all it’s going to do is poison your ass. Once you have reached the safety zone, you then need to get together a band of merry men, train hard, build up an army and wait for the ideal moment to infiltrate and take down the bastards that did this in the first place (incidentally, the last part is also what you do if some evil dictator takes over your country and tries to wipe out the majority of its population). Another situation that I have mentally prepared for is the earth being struck by an asteroid. The first step here is to reach high ground to avoid the tsunami’s, then once they have passed, find somewhere under ground to live with a shit load of supplies until the ash cloud that chokes out the sun has settled and we can once again live above ground. Perhaps if the dinosaurs had followed this plan, we would now be going to Edinburgh zoo to visit a T-Rex instead of two pandas who can only be in the same room together on the two days a year the female is ovulating or they would kill each other. My last plan is inspired by my favourite comic book hero. What to do if a Planet called Apokolips comes hurtling towards earth drawn by the force of Lord Dark Side? In this scenario there is only one person who can help us…Superman! I always imaged that I would be one of those people who would strive in such situations, however, since I have been taken over by my own personal Dark Side, M.E., I have came to realise that I may not be able to carry out my well thought out plans in times of pearl, in fact I have became part of the vulnerable section of society; but not for much longer.
After Christmas passed I was focused on one thing and one thing only; getting back to work. People tend not to realise how much work relates to your own sense of independence. Not only do you get to be earning your own money again but you have a purpose once more. Even if that purpose may seem menial to others, for someone who has been unable to do the most basic of jobs for over a year, For me, it’s equal to becoming a neurosurgeon, NASA scientist or waking up one morning to discover your actually President Obama. After getting the all clear from House that it would be plausible for me to go back to work for three hours, three days a week, spending only 30 minutes on my feet each day and building it up over time, I was ready.
The excitement of returning however was dampened by reservations I had that was causing me some anxiety. It had been a year since I had been in the working environment and although I was returning to the same type of work but with less responsibilities, I couldn’t help but worry that I no longer remembered how to do even the basic parts of my job. Would all those years I worked my ass off now be for nothing and I would be starting from scratch once more? Although I was going stickless in the shop, I walked at a very slow pace. I couldn’t help but wonder what customers would think. I really didn’t want to have to explain my situation to a random all because they thought I was taking the piss as I wasn’t rushing to serve them. As you have probably summed up from reading my blogs over the last 11 months, I am a bit strange but I like to think in a good way. However, when you are working with people that don’t know you particularly well or even at all and the one word they would use to describe you is “odd”, that’s not really a good thing. I used to be able to filter out the madness when first meeting people but I have spent the last year around people who I know extremely well and people who I didn’t have to filter out the ridiculous things that enter my brain with. During this time I have never needed to make small talk and because of this I have kind of forgotten how to do these basic skills of socialising, meaning I say stupid things and put my foot in it a hell of a lot. It’s amazing to be able to say to people “Yeah finally I am going back to work” but it’s extremely hard to explain to them the worries and anxieties that you feel on top of the excitement. I also understand what it must be like for people who have never been in that particular situation, to understand and empathise with it. After coming to terms with the apprehensions and reservations I had, I knew that I could overcome them and went back to being rapturous about getting a large part of my old life back.
In February 2012, almost one year to the day off my memorable trip to Manchester, I awoke at 8 am, washed, got dressed, made some porridge, picked up my stick, walked down to the bus stop listening to Bruce Springsteen, got on a bus to Glasgow and made my triumphant return to the work place and the first step to getting myself ready again for any apocalyptic type scenarios that may cross my path.