In the words of Faith Evans, “I’ll be missing you”

On the 28th of August 2011 my dear friend, confidante and one part of the SSM club left the rain covered streets of Moodiesburn to start a new life in a place where the sun doesn’t stop shining and where one can pick up many delightful knock off designer bags; Dubai. I have been friends Faith since primary school and even at a young age she was always the intelligent one. Unlike most children who find out that Santa isn’t real from their parents who can’t be bothered keeping up the facade anymore or a kid at school who is showing the first signs of becoming a sociopath, Faith at the age of five sat in her room and worked out that it was virtually impossible for a man with a sleigh and reindeers to deliver presents to every good boy and girl across the globe in one night. Now if this was my child I would have taken her to see some kind of specialist as this isn’t normal but Faith’s parents thought nothing of it and encourage the development of her rationality and intellect. At the age of 7 Faith, Courtney Love and I started our very own club in my wooden play hut in the back garden, the SSM club (named after our actual initials). Faith seeing an opportunity to turn our club into an organisation that could take over the world, (doing what I am not sure) decided we needed a corporate structure. As I owned the hut I was allowed to be the Boss, Faith appointed herself Manager and Courtney was left to be the employee. Which really meant the Faith and I would sit on our ass while we watched Courtney sweep the floor. It sounds cruel, yes but the hut was tiny so it didn’t take her that long to clean it. What I failed to realise is that Faith was teaching me my very first lesson in how to succeed in business; be ruthless. At 13 Faith demonstrated to Hilary and me how a tampon works with the use of a glass of water, I found this particularly useful as going to a Catholic school we never learned anything like that. All we were told is that men have bits, girls have bits if you put them together before marriage you will get a STD and die! A couple of years later Faith followed on our puberty lesson by teaching us about reproduction and then followed that by showing me how to play “Nothing Ever Happens” by Del Amitri. To this day as soon as I hear the lyrics, “Post office clerks put up signs saying position filled”, I am transported back to the make shift music studio her dad put together in their spare room. Faith was a straight A student whose intellect, thirst for knowledge, rationality and will to succeed at what ever she did, could have taken over the world but although she may have been ruthless while “managing” the SSM club she quickly grew out of that. Instead she decided to use her talents to inspire the next generation of adults. Just like she taught me many things through out our friendship, Faith decided to become a teacher and for this I will always admire her. As unlike most teachers I know, she never entered into this career as she couldn’t think of anything else to do with her degree, she became a teacher because she wanted to make a difference. This career option was the main reason Faith moved to Dubai. As a young adult I would have described Faith by a term her sister coined, “Patio Person”. This is someone who grows up in a small town like ours, marries their childhood sweet heart, buys a house with a patio around the corner from their parent’s house has some kids and that is basically their life until they die. However with the recession and the cut backs in the education system Faith never got to make her “Patio Person” dream become a reality as their were no jobs for newly qualified teachers, instead she had to move country to do something that she loves. I feel Faith and her fiancé Adam Levine are glad this happened as from their constant Facebook updates it seems like they are constantly going for brunch and having the time of their lives and . Anyway this Blog isn’t called Sam and Faith Evans, its called Sam and M.E so let’s get back to my story.


As Faith and Adam were leaving to start a new life in Dubai it made sense that had a proper send of. As they were also recently engaged they decided to put these two events together and have a “Leavegagement” party. Courtney invited me around to her flat before hand so I could prepare my “Fake Healthy Look”. This seemed like a sensible thing to do as she lived closer to the venue. When I got there I started to feel Darth Vader creeping over me, he was trying to gain control of over my body causing me to feel well shit. What I have learned from suffering from this illness for a while now is that when this happens I need to rest and do nothing for at least a couple of hours because if I don’t I end up ten times worse. But this time I wasn’t having any of it. No way was M.E getting in the way of one of my best and oldest friends leavegagment party when she was going to Dubai and god knows when the next time I would see her again. So I made a decision, not a very bright one, but one that would get me through the night. I was going to Red Bull it! Now there is a reason why people who suffer from M.E are told to stay away from energy drinks; the sugar briefly increases your energy levels so you are able to stay awake but once the taurine and sugar wears off your energy levels drop drastically causing you to feel 10 times worse than you did when you first drank the red bull. I felt this come down was worth it to see faith off, so I drank a whole can and readied myself for the night ahead.


Once there Courtney, I took our seats and waited for Hilary Duff to come. As per usual Hilary and her boyfriend Robert Pattinson turned up late. No matter what we have planned Hilary has not once been on time. Sometimes we tell her we are meeting half an hour before we are actually meeting to try and get her there in time and she is still late! Courtney still has not came to terms with probably one of the only flaws Hillary has but the rest of us all knew better and expect nothing more of her. Once we were all seated the drinks started flowing. These days I don’t drink. There is two reasons for this, firstly I already feel like shit most of time the last thing I need is a hang over on top of that. Secondly, not a good idea to get legless when you walk with a walking stick and considering my history of one tequila, two tequila, fall down it’s just not a good idea. I mean don’t get me wrong I am not going to be one of these sober people who judges anyone that steps within a 100 yard radius of a vodka bottle, I will drink again but I will have to be feeling 100 times better before I’m “back on it” as the people of Glasgow say. While everyone was ordering vodka, wine and many shots, I was faced with the option of what to get. I usually just drink water (a cheap date is what Courtney calls me) but the tiredness has started to get to me again and after much deliberation I decided to go for another Red Bull. Yes I know I shouldn’t have done it and I knew I was going to pay for it but  I was already having to turn up to this party walking with a stick unable to dance, no way was I going home early to sleep, M.E wasn’t ruining this night.  And it did keep me alert and got me through the evening without anything going wrong.


The party was awesome, even if I did only experience it from my table and the odd trip to the bathroom but it was defiantly a well deserved send off for two of my favourite people. By the end of it Hilary had opened the flood gates and to this day they haven’t shut. She goes through at least 3 boxes of hankies a day but don’t worry we are referring her to a specialist. I expected nothing less than the party of the year from Faith’s family as they are known locally as the Mafia- well what really happened is that someone set up a fake Wikipedia for our town, Courtney posted on it about how it was full of inbreeds and because there is so many “Evans” I came up with a story about how they “ran town” and were our own Corleone family punishing those who didn’t pay there “taxes” by attaching them to thousands of helium balloons and watching them fly off. It seems to have caught on- And we all know that there ain’t no party like a Mafioso party. After any of the Evans’ Mafia parties there are always an after party hosted at one of the many relatives houses. Unfortunately for me Midnight was already way past my bed time and I was knackered, so it was time for me to depart and go to bed. Was I gutted I couldn’t continue the celebrations like everyone else? Yes of course I was but if I went all I was going to do was sit in a corner exhausted and then wipe out any other chance I had of seeing Faith and being awake before she flew out the following week.


Once home and in bed the come down really kicked in. I felt like I had been on some kind of drink and drug binge for the past week, the room was spinning, my body was shivering because I was so cold which made my muscles ache more than usual, I felt like I was about spew up everywhere and although I was exhausted my ability to sleep was interrupted by the symptoms of my sugar come down. After an hour of this I actually thought to myself, no wonder heroin addicts find it so hard to get clean. If this is what I was like after two red bulls imagine what you would be like after 10 years of injecting Junk into your veins. I had a new found respect for those who managed to get clean. I realised at this point that becoming a drug addict was not going to be in my future along with Red Bull or any other energy drinks for that matter. After two hours of de-toxing I finally managed to get some sleep and was briefly relieved of the torment my body was going through.


However this was short lived as pretty soon it was going to be morning, I was going to have to get up and have to face the consequences of my Red Bull drinking and ignoring Darth…


*Please note all the names of people in my blog have been changed to their celebrity or fictional character counter part to protect their identity. Under no circumstances should this be a reflection of the named celebrity or fictional character.
Title taken from the song “I’ll be missing you” originally by Sting
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