I once foolishly went on a ghost walk through what the BBC once described as “The most haunted place in Britain”, The Edinburgh Vaults. Now I am someone who likes answers. I don’t like not knowing the who, what, when, where and why’s and for that reason the unexplained and so called supernatural going ons scare the shit out of me. Jennifer Garner will vouch for this as she was also on this trip and for the entire evening I never once let go of her arm, as I was scared that if I did, some kind of evil spirit would steal me away to the after life. I also love the TV program “Supernatural” as it teaches you how to defeat various types of supernatural beings and I feel this information will come in very useful one day, but I refuse to watch it after the sun goes down as that is when all the scary shit goes happens. You never hear of folk seeing ghosts at 3pm, its always after dark. Due to this completely rational fear of the unexplained, I hate anything concerning death. So a hospital was the perfect place for me.
As soon as I had settled into my bed for the first evening of my hospital vacation, I noticed that the bed across from me had all the curtains drawn. I thought to myself “they have the right idea. It’s so bright in here god knows how anyone could get some rest”. I then settled down to read my book for the 16th time. Now the last time I had peed was at 4:30pm it was now 12:30am and during that time I had possibly drank my weight in water (I was really thirsty). This was only my second time ever being admitted to hospital, the first being when I got my tonsils out, aged 7, so I didn’t really know how things worked. If you can’t walk do people come and ask you if you need to go pee or do you shout or press the big red button, or is that just for emergencies? When I started needing to pee at 9:30, I thought “its fine, I’ll just hold it in, the nurses seem really busy and I really don’t want to have to pee in that god damn commode”. One hour later the need to empty my bladder had increased ten fold. However at this point the nurses were doing their drug rounds down the other end of the ward and I really didn’t want to have to press the buzzer as it made a really annoying sound. In all honesty I still wasn’t really sure if that was purely for emergencies or not. By 11:30pm I was like, “if I don’t tell someone I need the piss chair out now, then I am going to pee the bed and then possibly drown in a tidal wave of my own urine as there must be at least a loch’s worth of liquid in my bladder”. Just as I was about the press the button, everyone’s fluid stained cubicle curtains were shut over and all the staff seemed to be running around like something was going down, my first thoughts, “Perhaps a gang shooting?” My curtains were not fully shut over, however. There was a small gap between where the two curtains met. I, clearly being a nosey bitch and hating not knowing what was going on, looked out of that gap and what I seen scared me for life. Two men were wheeling a trolley with an empty black bag into the cubicle across from me; the cubicle whose curtains had been drawn the whole night. I now realised why they were shut. The old woman who I assumed was “sleeping” was actualy DEAD!
Now not only was I trying not to pee myself, I was also trying not to hyperventilate at being the closest I had ever been to a dead body in all my 23 years on this planet. I had visions of this woman’s spirit leaving her dead body and trying to possess the nearest living one, which just so happened to be mine. Much like what happened to Phoebe in “Friends”, I would have to show her every goddamn thing before she would leave my body and I didn’t know of any lesbian weddings happening anytime soon. I then started looking for salt to scatter around me to ward of unwanted spirits (a must for anyone wanting to protect themselves from the supernatural). During this panic to find the salt I foolishly glanced in the direction of the dead woman’s cubicle again to make sure her spirit wasn’t floating on over. At this exact moment, the curtain opened slightly and as it did I saw the Nurses busily prepping the dead body to be taken to the morgue and at that very moment, a dead arm fell off the bed. Now I am not going to lie, the shock of seeing a dead woman for the first time, even though it was only an arm, made me let a little bit of pee out. I mean it wasn’t enough to be classed as me peeing myself but it was enough to make me stop panicking about the dead women’s spirit entering into my body and refocus my energy into not flooding my bed with urine. As soon as the woman’s lifeless body was wheeled out of the ward, I pressed that button and begged for the commode. And for the 2nd time that day, I had to go through the humiliating experience of peeing into an adult potty, like an extremely tall 2 year old child. This time I did not need to close my eyes and sing “penny lane” to allow my shy bladder to empty. It did it all by itself, just like a big girl!
Now, if this was only my first few hours in hospital god knows what the rest of the stay was going to be like.