“The Bodyguard”

‘The Bodyguard’ is a romantic thriller starring Whitney Houston and Kevin Costner that was released in 1992. After its release, due to its hugely talented protagonist, the soundtrack went on to become the best selling soundtracks of all time. Its signature track, “I will always love you” became the best selling single by a female artist in music history and won a Grammy award. I was 5 years old at this time and remember this soundtrack vividly as Demi purchased it and Posh Spice and I regularly danced about the living room to “Queen of the night”. When Whitney performs this particular number during the film, her fans become over-excited by her Cleopatra-like hair and start rioting. At this point, Kevin rushes in, picks Whitney up and carries her out of the club and to safety. Little did I know that one day I would be playing the Whitney role in this scene – only without Cleopatra hair, the club and the wild fans.

 

After my 6 days in Limbo waiting for my phone appointment with House, my legs had gotten worse. I could barely walk and I could only manage to walk small distances by holding on to furniture. I was like a baby learning how to use their legs for the very first time. Even the smallest movement felt as if a ten ton weight was being dropped on them. House phoned at 10am and this is how the conversation went:

 

House: Hello Samantha?

Me: Hi House how are you?

House: I am good. How can I help you today?

Me: Well it’s my legs. They kind of stopped working.

House: (Confused) What? They stopped working?

Me: (calm and collected) Yeah I went to Manchester for work and they got really sore and then they became really weak. I went to the hospital but they sent me home and told me to make an appointment with you but since then they have gotten a lot worse. I can barley walk and to move them even the slightest is extremely painful.

House: (serious tone) I think you have to come into the surgery as soon as possible and I am going to get one of the other Doctors to look at you straight away. This isn’t right. You know Samantha, I know I have said this many times but my door is always open.

Me: (Still calm and collected) Thanks House.

 

Now what I never realised at this point was that getting to the surgery would prove to be extremely difficult. I mean I could have phoned a taxi but the last time I checked, taxi drivers don’t tend to come out to your house and carry you out to their car. So I phoned Ross Kemp (My dad) but unfortunately he was working at the time. I then thought, ‘It’s fine, I’ll phone Demi she will come home from work and take me’. However I quickly remembered that Demi is 5ft 4 and (even though I weigh practically nothing) there was no way in hell she would be able to carry me out to the car. Luckily I had one other idea left. Jennifer Garner and Kevin Costner were off work and doing some couples bonding. I decided to interrupt them and ask if they could possibly drive through and escort me to the doctors – and by ‘escort’ I meant carry. Without hesitation they said yes.

 

Kevin drove so fast to get to Casa del McInnes that he put the theory of relativity to the test and he and Jen arrived ten minutes before I had actually called them. After explaining to me why they were there, it was time for my Whitney moment. As Kevin scooped me up, rushed me out of the house, into the car and up the Doctors, Jen sang “Queen of the night”, while Ben the dog played the role the rioting fans. Now at first getting to play the role of Whitney in this iconic film was a dream come true. However once we got to the surgery and Kevin also had to carry me in like a 3 yr old child who had hurt there knee in front of at least 25 people, the novelty of being Whitney kind of wore off. When my name was called again, Kevin had to lift me into the doctor’s office with Jen in tow (she had stopped singing “Queen of the night” at this point though). I have surmised from the look on this guy’s face that not many people get carried in to him very often. As soon as he seen this he said, “Ok, I think we better just get you to the hospital”. At that, Kevin was left to do his Bodyguard routine yet again. I was bundled back to the car and taken to the Hospital where Demi was waiting to meet us.

 

Once in the Hospital, Mr Costner was given the chance to rest his arms before he put his back out and we were given use of a wheel chair. Unfortunately, after a short wait I had to say goodbye to my bodyguard as only family where allowed past stab, bullet and bomb proof doors that are a regular fixture within Glasgow A&E departments. As Kevin and Jen left in true “Bodyguard” style I did sing “And I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I- always love you!” However the stab, bullet and bomb proof doors were also sound proof so I don’t think they heard me. After this there was a lot of waiting about, during which I drank a lot of water to make sure I kept hydrated. Looking back I wish I hadn’t. When you’re in the hospital and you can’t walk and you need to pee there is no Kevin Costner to come and carry you to the toilet (not that my Kevin ever did this) and due to health and safety they can’t let you drag yourself there and hope you make it without falling and breaking something or knocking yourself unconscious. Instead, they wheel out a chair called a commode and make you pee in a paper bowl in the middle of a busy ward with only a curtain to protect your modesty. Now, ladies and gents, I suffer from something known as ‘pee fright’. Much like stage fright, when there are people about I find it difficult to perform. I believe this is due to living in a house with all women who do not understand what personal space is and just burst into the bathroom whether you are on the toilet, in the bath or just hanging out. What made this time even more difficult is a nurse coming in every 2 minutes being like, “is that you done Samantha?” 20 minutes later, after closing my eyes putting my hands over my ears and singing to myself “Penny Lane” I finally managed to empty my very shy bladder and returned to a very uncomfortable hospital bed traumatised.

 

It wasn’t until 5 pm that and finally seen a doctor and was told that I was being admitted much to my disappointment. I really didn’t want to have to pee in one of those god damn chairs again! And so began my first night in hospital with only Truman Capote’s “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” for entertainment. For those of you who haven’t read “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” it’s a novella which basically means you can start and finish in about 40 minuets. As much as I love this particular novella, there is only so many times I could read it in a 12 hour period.

 

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*Please note all the names of people in my blog have been changed to their celebrity or fictional character counter part to protect their identity. Under no circumstances should this be a reflection of the named celebrity or fictional character.
Title taken from the film “The Bodyguard”
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