Unfortunately when you are ill with M.E, it means that sometimes you are unable to attend …. that otherwise you wouldn’t have missed for the world. After returning to work in November, I had another M.E relapse in December which meant I was off work sick until the beginning of January. During this time, one of the most vulgar and hilarious women I had ever worked with found new employment. Unable to party the night away with her to grieve her leaving, I decided to write her a speech instead.
So here it goes:
My darling Joan Rivers,
I have decided to write speech for you leaving today, as most likely the last time someone wrote one for you was on your wedding day and you were too fat and pregnant to enjoy it. Probably the best thing would be to go back twenty odd years and give you a speech about contraception, but unfortunately my time machine is quite ready yet, so you’ll just have to make do with this.
I had actually wrote another speech for you, in fact it was more of a performance, where I compared you to a prolapsed womb. After that, I compared you to the matron of a nursing home, who smeared shit in residents’ faces, but it required a lot energy which I don’t have right now.
Anyway Joan Alexandra Molinsky Sanger Rosenberg Rivers, we are all gathered here to say a mournful farewell to your slightly psychotic ways. Jean Paul Richter (a German Novelist) once said “Mans’ feelings are always purest and most glowing in the hour of meeting and farewell.” So Joan – this is from the heart.
Over the course of the past four years, we have shared many good times together; such as the time we decided it was a good idea to dismantle a set of monkey bars or the time you invited us all around to your house and myself and Cheryl Cole drank the whole bottle of your £70 champagne and then Colin and Justin ended up being sick all over house. Or the time you got divorced from that plonker who used to all always phone and say in a stuck up voice, “Mr Rivers here, can I speak to Joan?” However, there were also some not so good times. Like when your daughter moved to Australia or when you fell over banged your head, ended up in hospital and we all thought you were going to die. But through both good and bad times you have kept us laughing in both joy and disgust and left us in a constant state of soiled underwear.
I can honestly say I have never met anyone quite like you in my life and doubt very much I ever will. You are one in a billion Joan and all I can say is if you bring half as much joy to the lives of you new co-workers, they will be very lucky people. I shall miss you “like the desert misses the rain” and I wish you good luck in your new job and any other employment venture you fall into after it. But most of all, from the bottom of my heart I wish both you and the Welsh man all the joy and happiness in the world for your future together.
I was going to end this with something memorable. I thought perhaps the last line from “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” would be appropriate. but that happened to be “Cat! Cat!” So I decided to go for something from Tom Petty instead, “You and I will meet again when we’re least expecting it. One day in some far off place I will recognise your face. I won’t say goodbye my friend, for you and I will meet again.”
Needless to say she loved it!